I am so sad.

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Back when we were still dating, there were a couple of times where we had arguments and he ended up walking away and leaving me behind. Back then I was so mad at him for doing that. I thought to myself: you can walk away, I can do the same. He returned, usually. He didn’t mean to really leave me there and then. Just taking a distance so he didn’t blow off.

Tonight this happened to my kids, and it broke my heart. Seeing how she tried to talk to him to apologize and hold his hand yet he pulled his hand, turned his back and walk away. They wailed. As I was soothing them, I felt like crying too. I felt like walking away too. I wanted to bring them home myself and tell them we’re gonna be okay. We’re okay.

Bur we’re not. I am so sad. I don’t think they deserve to be treated that way by their own father. They’re scared. They’re walking on eggshells around him. But they love him. They refuse to go home with just me.

I don’t understand why he did this. I don’t understand what kind of message he is trying to convey. What kind of lesson is he giving the kids. That he’s going to leave them if they act out? That they’re not gonna be loved if they act out?

In the heat of the moment I really wanted to take the kids on my own. But i ask myself the same question. What message am I giving them?

I’m not even mad. I’m heartbroken and confused.

Cheers to a fruitful 2023

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Grateful

Yep. Heart is aching in some ways.. but still grateful nevertheless.

2022 was a lot to take in. Parts of it passed just like that amidst my numbness.. even towards the very end. I need to seek help, i guess.

But also, there were so much little pockets of joy. every. single. day. The kids especially, they had given me so much.

This year I’m hoping for a better year all around: fruitful, happy, memorable, beautiful. I hope when I exit the year I’ll be a stronger, happier, kinder, dependable person with no regrets.

I want to live fully and be present every single day. I want to remember. I want to thrive.

So here’s to a fruitful and beautiful 2023. I will hope and I will make it happen

Today I learned

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..that ready-to-cook package is convenient but can be disappointing. So brace yourself. Lol.

I’m learning to cook new things.. I find portioning a bit of a hassle. Imagine preparing for a recipe that calls for half onion. So you’re left with another half in the fridge, and then you forgot that you had them the next time you need onion, so you cut a new one, n left the old one to rot in the fridge. And repeat this for other ingredients! (Some of my carrots grew leaves 🤣)

So in an attempt to avoid such scenario (and also to better gauge/visualize/ get the feel of how much ingredients are necessary for x persons) i bought prepacked ready-to-cook packages from astro: paket masak rawon sapi (javanese black soup with beef) , beef bulgogi, es campur.

Apparently (why did i think otherwise. Duh) they’re frozen. So i thawed them. The first one i tried was es campur. And that’s how i learned that cincau, once frozen, thawed into a black, fried-tofu-like texture. 🤣 So far from its jelly-like origin! I tossed it to the bin after one bite. Another thing i learned: Pineapple seem to withstand freeze-thaw the best, apple lost its crunch, aaaand papaya is at the other end. Just.. don’t bother freezing easy-to-mash fruits.

Next, the beef bulgogi. It came out pretty good. In the package was 250gr beef slice, half an onion, 4 slices of capsicum (you read that right yea 4 slices), 1 pack of bulgogi sauce, 3 cloves of garlic and a sachet of beef stock powder (i skipped this coz whyyyy? We have the actual beef, why make it beefier?). Although the flavor was okay, the onion and capsicum definitely lost its crunch tho.. so freezing them is definitely not recommended.

Last in line: rawon sapi. It’s supposed to consist of some beef, galangale (but not in mine, hm, why), lime leaves, lemon grass and premixed spices. This one.. i don’t understand why, the premixed spices definitely didn’t taste nor look anything like rawon.. more like gulai. It doesn’t even have its signature black color. Did they label it wrong?? Idk. Anyway, I still have them on my stove. Will recook tomorrow using my all time favorite Bumbu Bamboe.

Decisions, decisions

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Two weeks ago I had officially resigned from my job. I made the decision to spend more time with the kids and focus mainly on parenting them. There were a lot of questions.. some direct, some through the walls and the winds. Understandably, after my second time there some thought I would stay until retirement.

But the truth is.. it’s something I have procrastinated for over 2 years (somewhat thanks to the pandemic). It’s a tough call. So yea, not so sudden, and yea due to the WFO come back 🙈.

Here, let me try to put my thoughts into words..

Continue reading →

About the pandemic

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I’m pretty sure you — whoever you are, reading this barren blog — must be tired of hearing the news already.

Another rise, another lockdown.

It may seem surreal to us. Part of a conspiracy, or something.

But it is real. People died. Families grieved; most of them still do to this very day.

Please remember.

I hope you and your family are safe and healthy, just like I am.

Headache

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I can’t really tell what’s the cause..

Is it the maidless situation?

Is it the covid vaccine?

Is it PMS?

Is it the stress of having to think of what to eat everyday now that the caterer is off?

Is it stress from work?

Is it the stress of caring for unwell cranky baby?

Is it the pile of ‘social’ bill?

Is it from overthinking? coz really I don’t think i even need to know the cause of it.. Sleep sounds like a brilliant idea anyway.

Taking care of myself

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I’ve stopped breastfeeding since I was covid+ last December. Baby was almost two. Since then I kinda lost my only excuse for not working out and eating a lot. Haha..

Soooo I’ve been working out thrice a week since January. (Got a good deal; $1 for 2 months membership on Sweat app). In general I want to get stronger and have better stamina. In the long run I wanna be a little more flexible too. But for now my goal isn’t that far fetched.. I want to make it a routine first. I want to stick to it. At least thrice a week, commit!

For a start I got a 60k Miniso PVC mat. Honestly I bought this randomly on a flash sale but left it on the corner for months. It’s too thin to support my back, but that’s okay.. towel for extra cushion.

After almost 2 months barefoot, I bought a 135k shoes. My old one gave up after 3 years untouched, and I’m not willing to invest until i’ve proven myself that I can truly commit. Lol. Barefoot ain’t too bad.. it’s just that I had cuts on my thumb from stepping on a staple, and working out barefoot peeled the skin bigger and bigger it freaking hurts 🤣

Progress after 2 months. Well.. my core strength was as strong as a jelly before. Now it’s much stronger. I can withstand planks and half push ups. I haven’t lost weight.. it’s a looong way to go. But i feel stronger and better in general. I’m quite proud of myself. 😌

Cocomelon

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My older daughter had passed the Cocomelon phase and now on Diana and Roma phase.. but occasionally she still sings some of the songs. Recently it’s The Mommy Song. The full original lyrics goes like this:

My Mommy is the best, the best there ever was
My Mommy is the best, and I love her just because
Whenever I am sick or hurt, she gives a great big kiss
She helps me to feel better and she does it just like this

My Mommy is the best, the best there ever was
My Mommy is the best, and I love her just because
She takes the time to play with me, all my favorite games
Even when she’s busy, she loves me just the same

My Mommy is the best, the best there ever was
My Mommy is the best, and I love her just because
Whenever I get hungry, she makes my favorite snacks
She makes them just the way I like, they’re great and that’s a fact

Your Mommy is the best, the best there ever was
Your Mommy is the best, and I love her just because
She laughs when I am silly, and likes to play along
We sing and dance together to all our favorite songs

Our Mommy is the best, the best there ever was
Our Mommy is the best, and we love her just because
She always takes good care of us, and she should be a queen
She’s the greatest mommy that we have ever seen

I love to be your mommy
Really? It’s true!
You fill my life with lots of joy
You are my precious girl and boys
Really? It’s true!
I love you!

But of course she didn’t sing the whole song. She went ‘My mommy is the best; the best there ever was. My mommy is the best and I love her just because. *random undecipherable words sang in tune* She’s the greatest mommy that we have ever seen’

and that is just ngaaaaaawwwww *runs towards her with open arms ready to bear-hug her*

only to be rejected and pushed away *MAMA NOOOOO*

LOL.

I love her.